Successful launch

College life is good!

More than two weeks have passed since Z moved in to his dorm room and started his college life. This is the longest he has been away from us and of course, it is only the beginning. He called late on Friday night, and spent the first five minute of the phone call telling me about the laundry situation and how he was going to address it (the laundry machines smell, he needs to get laundry beads to address the smell). He spent even longer explaining his first chemistry lab, outlining all the things that he found extraneous and how it could’ve been more efficient. He also went into detail about the class grading policy and if he stayed on top of assignments and did well in the class, he would not have to take the final exam. Most surprising, Z had written and submitted an article to the school’s online newspaper. He explained the process of going to the pitch meeting on Monday night, having back and forth with the section editor during the week, and then submitting his piece for consideration on Friday night. He talked about friends he had met, activities he had planned for the weekend.

He sounded happy. Excited. Engaged. Energetic.

And so much older. So much more adult.

I know, it’s weird to say. It has only been two weeks. But there is an independence, an ownership of his life that is new. He is not only directing our conversation, but his life. Taking hold of his obligations and trying out new things. He is engaged in the conversation in a way that feels more equal than child to parent. As if a concern about evaluation or appraisal often hung over our previous conversations, and now, he is just happily sharing with me the new things unfolding in his life.

I love it. I love every second of his calls. I love that he is embracing collegiate life and taking full advantage of it all. He has gone to every class, made friends, engaged in student activities, joined at least two ongoing student groups, and knows his way around the campus. He has settled in.

Knowing that he is doing well makes all of it easier to hold. As I have said before, the many months leading up to this—deciding what schools to look at, planning the trips, taking the college tours, balancing reminding (sometimes full-on nagging) and letting things be as he worked on and submitted applications, hearing back from schools, and the several weeks of weighing the decision, committing to a school, packing up, and moving in—all of it has been so exciting and stirred such delight and pride in this young man. And even before the sadness hit, I always held the smallest worry. The worry that it would be hard. That he would be in his dorm room, alone. Have no one to eat meals with. No one to talk to. No way to take the anxiousness of new beginnings and turn it into the excitement of new opportunities. In this case, I am absolutely thrilled that that worry is unfounded.

Having concrete success to hold on to softens the ache I feel when I walk past his empty room. The slight twinge of sadness when I see his favorite teacher at the high school open house and know he won’t be in her classroom the next day. Or the next. The moments when I wake up late at night and it is silent—no keyboard clicks, no back and forth between Z and his friends. Setting the dinner table for four instead of five. Every. Single. Night. Not hearing his friend honk in the driveway as Z scrambles to put his shoes on and find a hoodie. The tears, the catch in the back of my throat, they are all still constant companions through my days. I can hold on to the lilt in his voice, the buzz as he tells me that he knows someone in the room one floor up from his, one floor down from his, and now, right next to his. The names that he is starting to repeat, with more information offered on who these people are and how they fit into this new life. The way his speech gets quicker and more enthusiastic as he tells me about the small group of people he has gathered together to teach them Shadowrun. He is building his life. And he is so excited by it.

I know hard things will come. They always do. But knowing that he is starting off, that he has launched well. That is enough for now.